A Horror Story
by poo lost in a maze
Summary: Bruce doesn't get invited to the movies and shit happens
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nada, squat- besides the plot

A/N: It's late

'thinking'  
"talking"  
_Hulk desu_

**Chapter One**

Bruce Banner yawned. His thin-rimmed, doctor-man glasses were placed on his bedside table and his scruffy brown jacket hung on the knob of his Stark Tower bedroom door. Running his fingers through his limp-crimped brown hair that was sprawled across his pillow, he sighed and closed his eyes.

This was seemingly the worst day of his life. First off, his team had completed a whole save-the-world mission without him. Tony just kept telling him to stop moping and help them with the next one, but this just made him furious: a bit of a green-tinted furious. Second, what made him the maddest was that Fury had afterwards taken both Tony and Steve to see a movie; and they wondered why Bruce was as gloomy as he seemed. Fury had apologized, saying that he didn't mind him taking a break now and then to work on his own affairs, as if it were his fault this was all occurring.

What affairs? When did he ever do anything? What was with these people!?

_Some time we need time off. Some time away from 'missions', some time alone with Hulk and Bruce._

'Be quiet! That's not the point!'

_Hulk is right._

'I am _trying_ to sleep!'

_Then why you think to Hulk? __  
_

'UGH.'

This seemed to be one of Bruce's latest pastimes: either arguing with the Hyde to his Jekyll or complimenting him on his most lovely performances during a fight. Yet lately he had no chances complimenting Hulk on anything due to his 'so called' teammates and his 'so called' affairs. It was pathetic, really.

_Bruce… Hulk have question._

'What is it now!?'

_Do not mad, Hulk only help Bruce._

'Alright, alright, what's the problem?'

_What type movie did Tony Man and American go see?_

At that moment, Bruce's eyes flew open wide. Jumping out of bed, he tore his jacket off of the door and flung it over his ruffled purple shirt and little white fanny-pants and began to sprint out of his quarters and down the hall to the elevators.

'What a question Hulk, what a question. It must be _answered_!'

* * *

Tony Stark moaned and rolled out of his bed as his door received a pounding. He let his blurry vision wander down to Pepper: fast asleep and probably dreaming about running or some shit.

'It can't be anyone bad, otherwise J.A.R.V.I.S. would have set of a warning.' He took in a deep breath before reaching for the handle. "UGH"-he cried, pulling away and clasping his hands over his nose. 'Banner you bastard! Why the Hell do you always have to smell like cats, aftershave and burritos!? Do you _ever _wash your clothes!?'

Tony huffed out a little breath and opened the battered door to find an angry, yet relatively composed looking Bruce Banner standing before him. He tried to suppress a laugh. Bruce obviously hadn't thought much of their meeting; his usual brown jacket and purple shirt was un-ironed and unbuttoned and loosely hung over top a nice pair of whiteys. Tony felt embarrassed for him.

"**TONYYOUSHORTASSBASTARD! WHATTYPEOFMOVIEDIDYOUANDTHOS EFUCKINGTRAITORSGOANDWATCHWI THOUTME!?**"

Tony gaped in confusion. 'What the hell did he say…?'

"Please, Bruce, repeat yourself… a whole lot more… _slowly_,' he cooed gently, raising his hands in attempt to fend off the pulpy green man, or to possibly wave away the scent of old burrito mince.

Bruce took a deep breath and begun again. "What…what was the particular genre of cinematic feature did you _traitors_ go to view while I was on my… 'so named' vocational afternoon?"

Tony raised his eyebrows. "In English please!" he barked.

Bruce let out a war-cry of fury. "**THE BLOODY MOVIE! WHAT WAS THE **_**STYLE **_**OF MOVIE THAT YOU AND THOSE SCUM-SUCKING SHITS SAW!?**"

"Ah…"

They stood in silence for some time with the slight interruption of Bruce's still enraged breaths from the long trip to Tony's level of Stark Tower.

Tony gave Bruce the quick once-over. This seemed to be the first time that he had seen him without his pants on before…

"**TONY**"-

"Oh right… what were we talking about again?"

"**THE GODDAMNED MO**"-

"Oh yeah, that."

They stood silently again.

"Well, from what I recall…" Tony began in a droning tone, "was that Cap and Fury screamed a few times and clung to each other a lot… and those _stupid _movie staff people wouldn't let me wear my suit into the cinema…"

Silence overcame them once more.

"Horror."

It was so quick, Bruce didn't catch it. "What?"

"It was a horror movie, if I am not mistaken."

Tony watched as Bruce's eyebrows twitched and his eyes glazed over with internal grief. Horror just happened to be his favourite.

"Tony… Tony you _bastard_!"

Tony howled in pain as Bruce's enlarged green fist landed firmly into his unsuspecting stomach, knocking the wind out of him completely. He fell to his doorstep in a haze, watching a greenish, screaming and possibly crying Bruce tear off his jacket to hold it above his head as he ran down the street back to his home, his tighty-whiteys stretching enough to cause a tear at his back crack.

'Maybe we should have invited him…'

* * *

Bruce sat on the front steps of Stark Tower, legs draped over the stairs leading down from the main entrance and head bowed allowing his droopy bed hair sway with the midnight wind. Yes, he was in an even worse mood now. He really shouldn't have gone to Tony's... he made a wrong call.

It seemed so horrible for him to be different to everyone else. People hardly remembered his name and when they did… being the Hulk isn't _that _bad, is it…? So what if he has some problems? Who doesn't? Steve is about a 100 year old virgin. Fury cries while watching Legally Blonde. Pepper is a man. He doesn't complain about his other friends' habits or issues!

'Bruce. Bruce! That isn't the point!' He tensed. 'You're _right _me!' Pulling his legs from the stairs, he stood up. 'Hulk, what should we do!?'

_It good you consult Hulk._

'Drastic times call for drastic measures.'

A light shone above his head in the black, cloudless sky.

_Look star, Bruce… make wish…_

'What?'

Hulk continued, _there shooting star in sky… make wish before it too late… what would Jesus do?_

Bruce gasped. "You're RIGHT!"

He dropped to his knees and clasped his hands together. Bruce was going to make a wish.

'I wish… that tomorrow will be _my _day… I wish it will end up like a movie: a horror movie… one where no one will know the outcome… it shall be a full-on real life horror movie, where everyone _has_ to be involved and _has_ to involve _me_.

I wish…'

Little did Bruce know as he peacefully made his way back to his room was that some wishes may actually come true…

and he fucked up royally.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers

A/N: I don't know what's happening  
Agent Coulson is still alive in this no fucks are given on my end

'thinking'  
"talking"  
"_phone_"_  
_

**Chapter Two**

Bruce twisted in his bed sheets. He had previously gone to sleep, but for the most part it had not been very good. He felt so restless.

A loud ringing interrupted his thoughts.

Opening an eye, he peered out into the dark room. A ray of light produced from the slightly open blinds of his window. Obviously, it was morning already. Still, the ringing continued. He heaved himself out of his bed and looked blurry eyed around the room. Was everything in… black and white? After rubbing the sleep from his eyes he checked again.

No. No it wasn't.

Other than that, his room looked rather different. There were objects he had never seen before amongst his sciencey stuff. Even if he did know what they were, he didn't own anything.

The ringing was coming from a small grey brick that was sitting on the desk in front of the new… mirror?

'Hulk, what do you think is going on? This isn't normal.'

No response.

'Hello?'

Nothing.

'Stop it man, you're scaring me.'

Nil. Nada. Absolutely zip.

'What the hell is going on...'

The ringing just kept ringing. Bruce walked over to the box creature.

"What are you? Don't mess with me. You know when I'm angry I can smash anything and everything and destroy every particle of your entire grey rectangle being, vibrating brick."

The brick said nothing. It was a brick.

Bruce slowly placed his hand over the top of the brick and turned it over. It was a Nokia. Surprised to have such an old model in the home of Tony Stark, he hesitantly answered it.

"…Hello…?"

"BRUCE!"

He heard a tiny voice. It sounded like… Steve.

STEVE.

"**STEVEWHATTHEFUCKDOYOUWANTWIT HMEATTHISTIMEOFTHEMORNING!?**"

There was no response. Bruce huffed as he held the now silent and slightly opened black box to his ear. He could have sworn he heard Steve before. Was he wrong?

"…Steve?"

"_BRUCE THANK GOD! I just wanted to know if you noticed anything weird this morning! …have you? I found this box thing…it has buttons with numbers and there was a book that had 'Phone Book' written on the front and it had your name next to it…_"

"Damn it Steve it's a Nokia: a mobile phone. I know weird stuff has been going on but that does not mean I appreciate you waking me up at this hour of the morning. I'm not even sure if the sun has fully risen yet"-

"_It doesn't matter! Colonel Fury, Agent Coulson and Agent Hill want you to come straight away! Over to… um… hedquarters! That's the place! Everything seems to be going weird! Just, get here NOW!_"

Bruce raised his eyebrows as he heard Steve fumble idiotically around his room before hanging up. There was a beeping noise on the other side of the Nokia now. He sighed and put it back down by the mirror. Whatever was happening wasn't exactly how he was going to plan his day. He was just happy that this wasn't happening on his birthday.

So on that note, Bruce decided to lock up his room and go to see what all the fuss was about.

* * *

Bruce finally reached headquarters. He stood staring at the large double doors.

'Headquarters didn't look like this before… did it?'

He shrugged it off, knowing that his once present best green friend was now no longer present to answer his questions.

Sighing, he pushed on the large mahogany doors, heaving under its new weight. The opened to reveal a large dimly lit room filled mostly with people he was familiar with.

"What the…"

Most of his team members and the working staff looked rather frightened: all dressed in their pajamas staring longingly at his teammates, otherwise known as the 'Avengers' for directions. He saw Tony amongst the crowd who began to walk over with a look of hysteria on his face.

"What's your problem?" Bruce asked angrily.

Tony held his stomach as he tried to refrain from laughing too hard but also crying in pain from being punched earlier.

"Banner, what are you w_earing_!?" he gasped between breaths and blueberries.

Bruce had really no idea what Tony was on about. He looked down at himself.

"Damn…"

Yes, Bruce had forgotten to put pants on or even button up his shirt or jacket since waking up. He was just so very tired that he fell asleep almost instantly. He was still in his little white underpants and baggy purple shirt. He felt so idiotic, so while Tony was trying to get attention of Steve he quickly buttoned his shirt and wrapped his brown jacket around his hips in attempt to hide his man shames.

Steve ignored Tony's taunts and called Bruce over to the small group that had formed. Moving closer, what Bruce saw astounded him. He was completely lost for words.

There was Fury, Coulson and Hill, dressed in the most _unbelievable _outfits that you could have ever imagined. First off, there was Fury.

There he stood in a tight knee-length black skirt that flared with frills at the bottom, hair tied up in a tight bun and small black spectacles sitting on his nose that, despite his eye patch, made him look very smart yet very… hooker. He also had amazingly large stilettos. Bruce was wondering how he could possibly walk in them. In one hand was a satin black clutch with his fingernails being painted a ghastly blood red. His top was a loosely buttoned black shirt with, let's just say there was lots of cleavage. His lips were painted with bright red lipstick and his eye was shaded with a pale grey eye shadow. It made his eyes look even more soulless.

There beside him was Agent Maria Hill. Well, she wasn't wearing anything too important. Just a nice lumberjack outfit.

Then last but not least there was Agent Phil Coulson. Bruce couldn't believe his eyes. On top of Coulson's head was a large black top hat. He had a monocle on one eye and a great big cigar in his left hand. He was sitting on a chair with one leg over the other and he was in a suit. A tie hung loosely around his neck as if he were out partying far too long the previous night. He had leather black shoes that slowly tapped the ground every so often, as if he were impatient with something. His ravishingly handsome face was stuck behind an open book.

Coulson looked up with a bored face at the new arrival.

"Oh, Bruce Banner, welcome. We've been waiting for you."

Bruce gave him a nod and looked around the group. "What was I called for here again? I don't think that I was ever informed. Are we going on a new mission?"

Fury's pretty face crinkled into a scared frown and Hill's turned into a grimace as she rubbed her forehead with her hands. Coulson's didn't change as he turned the page of his book.

"Bruce…"

The tone of his voice made Bruce uncomfortable.

"…Natasha Romanoff is dead."

Everyone stood in a painful silence. Clint Barton was crying into the arms of a rather pleased looking Selvig and Fury's makeup smeared slightly as he dabbed his manly tears with a tissue.

Bruce raised his eyes to Agent Coulson.

"…and this affects me how? I'm sorry, I just wasn't very close to her."

Coulson shrugged. "I don't know. You were just there."

"She looked like a mangled pig!" Tony exclaimed, a bit too excitedly.

Bruce nodded in acceptance and folded his arms. "Anything else? I feel rather deprived of sleep and I wish to leave here now and go back to my room so I can catch up on some shut eye."

Coulson sighed and shut his book. "Well, I suppose there is _one_ more thing I can mention while you're here. It's just about how Natasha died. She didn't die naturally, I mean."

"Well, how did she die then?"

Coulson took a puff from his cigar. "Well, we aren't sure if the death was even accidental. We found her body earlier this morning. It most definitely didn't look normal…" She was dead, after all. "But," he went on, "her body was rather mangled. It looked like it was mauled by some sort of dog. The bites were too big for anything I've seen. So we have all come to the conclusion… there is a werewolf on the loose."

All the staff gasped. Except Bruce. He thought this was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

He was about to mention something about it when the large doors burst open and Thor Odinson came screaming into the room.

"SON OF COUL, THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG INDEED!" he exclaimed. Bruce took a look at his face. Thor was pale and sweating furiously with eyes full of fear, which was extremely uncommon for a god of his power.

Coulson sighed again. "What is it, Thor?"

"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH JANE!"

Coulson nodded and urged him to continue.

"I THINK SHE HAS CAUGHT SOMETHING FROM THE COLLECTION OF ILL IN YOUR WORLD. HER TEETH ARE SHARP AND UNRULY. SHE HAS BECOME PALE AND SHE CAN NO LONGER BATHE IN THE SUN'S GLORIOUS RAYS. SHE ALMOST TORE MS LEWIS'S HEAD RIGHT OFF OF HER BROAD SHOULDERS BECAUSE SHE SMELT OF BEEF FROM HER LUNCH. IT WAS EXTREMELY UN-YOUTHFUL. WHEN I CAME HOME FOR MY AFTERNOON FEAST OF MEN I FOUND HER SLEEPING FROM THE RAFTERS WITH HER WINDOW BLANKET AS A MAJESTIC CLOAK. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, SON OF COUL. I FEAR HER HEALTH."

Coulson rubbed his temple. "Thor… some time in a woman's life they have a time where…"

"SHE IS ILL YOU CANNOT DENY."

Bruce stood in silence watching the two bicker. Werewolves? Vampires? This could only lead to one thing…

'MY WISH!'

He finally remembered what happened last night! He wished with Hulk that today could be a horror movie day! He liked vampires… but that wasn't the point. His wish came true!

The arguing ceased as a side door on the opposite wall opened to reveal a figure walking through.

"Hey Coulson! Look! It's Natasha!" Steve barked.

She stood there: foaming from the mouth with scars covering her body, top to bottom. Pepper gasped a manly gasp and grabbed Tony's arm.

"You were right about the pig part!"

Natasha dragged herself up to a scared looking Nick Fury.

"Colnaleln Fry, iM feeli gn OK now ahsoluthely fIne."

Bruce's eyes narrowed. 'But wasn't she dead…?'

Coulson stood up dramatically. "Behold, everyone! A werewolf!"

Natasha gurgled and spilt foam down her chin like a farting ocean. "whOs a wht whYt noW/?"

Agent Coulson grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into a separate room, followed by everyone else eagerly.

"Just to make sure that's she's a werewolf or not, we will lock her in this room so we can observe her transformation when the moon rises tonight!"

Selvig raised Clint's oversize yaoi hand hesitantly. "But Agent Coulson, don't werewolves only turn on full moons?"-

"NO! They can change when I want them too!"

Bruce sighed and rolled his head back to look at the ceiling.

'I can tell this is going to be a long day…'


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: To my dismay I still have no ownership over anything Marvel it breaks my heart

A/N: I put a lot of effort into this chapter I'm lying  
Loki just has a shit personality and Clint talks like a kawaii nihon no school girl desu

'thinking'  
"talking"

**Chapter Three**

Bruce Banner rested his chin on his hand as he sat on his brand new couch. Agent Phil Coulson had let them all off early because for some obscure reason he now had control over everyone due to Fury becoming his concubine. According to sources Coulson believed there was danger afoot, not that he seemed to be bothered by it. They were told that if they saw anything that resembled a large man dog or a bat with feet and teeth they should stay away as the outcome could be bad.

Well, of course they would stay away. Who wouldn't?

Bruce mumbled to himself and took of his glasses to clean them. He still wasn't used to the fact that no one will reply when he gives advice. Not that he really gave much advice, but when he did it meant little to everyone.

Suddenly a knock on the door pulled him away from his thoughts.

'Oh come on, I just got home!'

Stomping over to the door, he threw it open in anger.

"BANNNNEEERRRR"- Tony ran through the door and threw himself and Bruce's head. "BLUEBERRY?"

Bruce clenched his fists.

"Get off me!"

For some reason no matter how angry Bruce got he remained the same pasty pink ape. It made him uneasy.

Tony slipped off and gestured to the others that stood outside the open door. A few more people entered the room, the last person shutting the door hurriedly, looking at the electronic intercom screen just to make sure that they weren't followed.

There stood (in order) Steve Rogers, Selvig, Thor Odinson and his shit little brother Loki, Clint Barton, Galaga man, about another four uninteresting S.H.I.E.L.D. staff members, Paul Bettany, Agent Maria Hill dressed as a lumberjack and of course Tony followed by a broad shouldered Pepper Potts.

"Why the Hell is Loki in here!?" Bruce wailed.

"That's the first time I've ever really understanded what Bruce-kun said without thinking about it desu," Clint whispered to Thor who hurtled a good laugh from his chest, held Loki above his head and spun him into a nearby letterbox.

"It's my tower it has my name on it I say who visits," Tony replied smugly.

"Okay first, it's _understood_, not _understanded,_ you little useless dipshit, and that wasn't answering anything Tony! Anyway, **WHY ARE ALL OF YOU HERE!?**"

Agent hill walked forward. "I think I can answer that question."

"Finally, someone with a brain…"

"**SILENCE MAGGOT!** Okay, the reason why I am here is because Agent Coulson and the other fellow… higher... rank… people… said that we all need to come and congregate in one place! Tony Stark, being the retard that he is, offered us Stark Tower and the floor you happen to be inhabiting seeing as you were the first person to leave so we could just follow you. Although about Loki… I have no idea."

She turned to Loki. "Why a_re _you here?"

Loki tilted his head and smirked in his same usual fashion. "Well, I was somehow in the neighbourhood at the time and decided to join you in whatever you were doing because I felt like it."

Hill nodded. "That's fair."

Bruce gaped at them. "What!?"

"**ALRIGHT MAGGOTS! GO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! PLAY IN THE BATHTUB OR SOMETHING! JUST DON'T BOTHER ME WHILE I SLEEP!** Bruce, I'm borrowing your bed."

With that, everyone went off to do their own thing, leaving Bruce to stare at the floor in defeat.

"…**WHY!?**"

* * *

It was almost midnight and nothing out of the ordinary seemed to have happened. Everyone had fallen asleep where they had spent most of their time. For example, Tony fell asleep cuddled with Pepper in the bathtub where Agent Hill had told them to go, Bruce fell asleep while he was sulking at the front door, Hill fell asleep in Bruce's lovely warm bed, Loki fell asleep in the fridge, Galaga man, Selvig and one of the uninteresting S.H.I.E.L.D. people fell asleep in the middle of their seventeenth game of strip polka and so forth.

Steve Rogers sat and stared at the ceiling while rubbing lavender Vaseline into his face with a sleeping Thor wrapped in his forever majestic quilt of a hairdo snoring peacefully next to him. Steve had to admit that Thor was getting a bit annoying, so he left the kitchen and made his way over to the dining room.

As he entered, he saw a little kawaii Clint asleep at the table with his face in one of Bruce's secret burritos. He walked past him into the lounge.

'Bruce is a very good decorator. Very coordinated for man that likes to play with science.'

The room was very large and three couches circled a wide-screen television. Bruce must have just asked Tony to buy everything for him because there was no way he could have afforded it. He was a peasant.

'What on earth is this,' he thought as he walked up to the TV. 'I've never seen this before. How obscure. Why is it called a television? Wow I remembered the word… I wonder if Tony will be proud of me, I remembered a big boy word.'

As he walked past the couches, a small gasp escaped his pretty lips.

There, lying on the carpet floor in front of the very, very wide TV were the other three of four uninteresting S.H.I.E.L.D. agent people. Each of their faces looked as if they were mangled by pure fear.

Just to make sure they weren't dead, Steve slowly edged around the couches and poked one of them. Nothing happened. Their skin was a pale green-white and their eyes were rolled back into their heads. What would happen if anyone woke up to find Steve standing over three dead S.H.I.E.L.D. agents? He was starting to panic. He was the face of America, he couldn't be seen here!

So he pulled out the rug from underneath them and laid it neatly over the top of the bodies.

'Just a few lumps, but I'm sure it'll do for now. I'll be long gone when Bruce finds them next.' He looked over to the wide-screen TV. Water was trickling out of the side. 'Wow! I didn't know TVs ran off of water! Smart!'

He was about to walk out of the room when the large screen started to flicker and static.

'What's happening now…?

The flashes stopped and it was left with one simple picture.

It was a dull landscape that had pale grey grass and dark shadowy trees swaying with the feint wind. What stood out mostly was the small well directly in the middle of the screen. A hand slowly edged out the hole in the top, followed by another. The two hands pulled up a body. When the figure had fully excited the well, it stood there, looking at Steve for a bit.

'A… girl…? How do I turn the TV off…? This film isn't nice.'

The girl that stood before Steve on the screen had almost white skin and black wet hair that fell down to her waist. It went over her eyes so you couldn't see the rest of her face. Her ripped white dress shifted in unison with the trees.

Then, she took a step towards the shaking Steve.

'It's not real. It's just on a TV! Like a movie! Moving picture! Yeah! Like the one Colonel Fury took us to see!'

The girl's face was only meters away from Steve now. She stopped for a second, then raised her hand slowly and reached through the screen.

'I'm done.'

Steve fainted out of fear.

* * *

Bruce was violently awoken as a blood curdling scream echoed around his apartment house place. Looking up at the clock on the wall, he sighed. 'Only 11:08? Lame…'

Clint ran out of the door next to him.

"Bruce-kun, come quick! I heard someone-kun screamu! Where is he desu!?"

Tony came out of the same door as Clint but on Pepper's shoulders. She grunted like a rugby player.

"**THE SCREAM SOUNDED AS IF IT CAME FROM THE LIVING ROOM!**"

All of the once sleeping ninja-agent-god-smart-people-butts entered the living room and made a circle around a body that was lying on top of a carpet mountain. The body was, of course, a limp and grey Steve Rogers.

Agent Hill smiled. "He looks so peaceful…"

Bruce threw her an evil glare. "Yeah…she looks like she had the devil play footsy with her **FACEOFCOURSESHEDOESN'TLOOKPEACEFUL! WHATTHEFUCKISWRONGWITHALLOFY OU!?**" He looked over to his new TV. "Why in the NAME OF THE HOKAGE IS **MYTELEVISIONPRODUCINGSTRANGE OCULARFLUID!?**"

Everyone turned a confused gaze on him.

"Water, people! Why the Hell is my TV leaking water!?"

Tony shrugged. "Maybe it's at a wedding. People cry at weddings…"

"**WHAT!?**"

Suddenly, the TV flickered and a head emerged, black hair falling to the ground, staining it with dirty muck. Clint squealed, grabbed the closest wooden chair and smashed it over the girl's head.

The girl fell to the ground, limp as an upset penis.

Bruce looked at him. "What… was that?"

Clint blushed and shifted his feet. "It… it was my first reaction desu… I-I was j-j-ju"- He slapped his head into his enlarged yaoi hands and began to sob frantically as Galaga man patted his shoulder to try to calm him down.

Paul Bettany looked at the clock and screamed. "**IT'S 11:12! 11:12! THE NUMBER 23 IS OUT TO GET US ALL!**"

The doorbell rang. Paul Bettany screamed and jumped under one of the couch pillows. Pepper let out an exasperated manly huff and strutted over to the front door to look at the intercom with a tiny Tony on her shoulders whispering sweet loving into her ear hair.

Bruce stood and stared at both Clint and Paul Bettany. They always acted so cool. What the fuck happened to them? Who the fuck is Paul Bettany?

"Um… guys?"

Everyone turned to look at man Salt.

"It's Jane Foster…"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

A/N: Paul Bettany hasn't died yet but Steve Rogers has I think my head is definitely in the right place and from now on Clint speaks in only 日本語ですよ

I haven't seen Prom Night so I give up

"talking"  
'thinking'  
"_a saucy Jane Foster_"

**Chapter Four**

Paul Bettany screamed and his hands holding the pillow on top of his head flew down to his scabby knees, covering them from view. As he buried his head further into the couch, he screamed again and flew back out.

"**23! IT'S OUT TO GET ME!**"

Agent Maria Hill sighed. "23 is _not _out to get you…"

"**THEN WHAT IS THIS!?**" he screamed, holding two coins up in the air.

"Paul Bettany, they are just coins"-

"**THEN HOW COME ONE SAYS 20****¢ AND THE OTHER SAYS 3¢, HEY MARIA!? IS IT JUST MERE COINCIDENCE THAT 20 PLUS 3 EQUALS 23!?**"

Before Hill could come up with a smart and confident reply, she was tapped on the shoulder by Pepper.

"Just leave it, Agent Hill. It's just that time of the month…"

"**WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY LADY PARTS!?**"

"Nothing…what, _what!?_ Ugh… just go back to your couch, Paul Bettany."

"_My _couch you mean!" Bruce butted in.

"Whatever… hey, guys? Should I let Jane in? Wouldn't she be cold out there?"

Bruce Banner looked at her in disbelief. "According to the God of Thunder, Thor, Jane Foster is a blood sucking fiend that only comes out when the sun sets and isn't considered _alive_. She exists only for the fact that she takes others lives away _from _them."

Tony stared. "Right… but other than that, I think it's cruel to let little lesbian ballerina stay outside! She may be a freak, but so are you, Bruce!"

Bruce groaned and dragged his fingers through his hair. 'He doesn't get it, does he…?'

Tony willingly leapt off of Pepper's shoulders, skipped to the front door and threw it open.

"JANE! Come inside to the warmth!"

Bruce looked over to where Tony stood. He couldn't see outside into the dark and it was starting to freak him out.

'Tony, get away from there…'

He heard a muffled voice.

"_Would you mind if you turned off the lights? Well, only dim them a little… at this particular moment my skin is rather… _sensitive _when it comes to light… I have skin condition where I burn rather easy. I hope that Bruce does not mind me bringing my blanket cloak… it keeps me relatively… warm…_"

For once in Bruce's life he was worrying about his short dumb-ass friend.

Tony smiled and turned off the lights.

"That better?"

"_Much…_"

Slowly and rather sinister-like as Bruce would have expected, a dark figure entered the room. The 'cloak' dragged on the ground behind her as she glided across the floor into the room where everyone was congregating in. Every blub she passed seemed to flicker and burst despite being turned off as she passed them. A gust of wind blew in behind her and ruffled her scraggly brown hair. Her skin seemed to illuminate a translucent white as she stood before the group. Someone shone a torch from inside the group of people onto her face, making her look even gloomier. A trickle of blood ran down the side of her mouth and two sharp teeth protruded from between her lips.

The only things that didn't match and stood out the most were the excessively large eyebrows.

"Um… Loki, where did you get that torch from?"

Loki looked at the torch that lay in his hands.

"Don't know. Found it in the fridge."

Suddenly the globe inside it flashed and burst, showering the floor. The now composed Paul Bettany tutted.

"What a waste…"

"**WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY STUFF THAT'S GETTING ALL SHITTED UP!?**" Bruce cried.

"_Hush, Bruce… think of our ear drums…_" Jane mocked, turning her pale bushy-eyebrowed face in Bruce's direction. Seeing the look on his face made her smile. She walked over and laid a hand on the Avenger man's shoulder. "_Do not worry… I am not all that hungry… tonight_."

Bruce shuddered. Her eyebrows were awful. He looked at the clock that read '12:00'. Shouldn't it have been over now? He looked at Jane who was now stroking Thor's hair as if it were a puppy.

'No… no, none of this is normal…'

A rustle at the door caught his attention. Walking over, he saw a letter had fallen through his mail slot. Picking it up, he read it out loud to everyone.

"Everyone, listen to this: 'Dear Avengers people and friends, this is Agent Phil Coulson. I would like to welcome you all to… PROM NIGHT! YAY! Yes, this means that you will all have to dress up and look like high schooler retards! Pictures _will _be taken, so live with it. If you don't come… we'll… uh… set Natasha on you. No, she hasn't transformed. This means she is not a werewolf, unfortunately"-

"**THEY ONLY TURN INTO A WEREWOLF ON A FULL MOON!**"

"**BE QUIET SELVIG! **I am _trying _to read here! 'You will have to find a partner to go with, otherwise if you come alone, we'll… uh… pair you with Fury. Thank you for your time. Agent Phil Coulson.' …what the Hell!?"

* * *

So, a few hours later after the sun rose, Prom Night began. Selvig asked why Prom Night was in the morning, but Coulson just told him to shut his gob and find a date.

Mostly everyone turned up with a partner because they were too scared of what the outcome might be if they weren't seen with someone. Selvig went with Paul Bettany. Tony went with Pepper and of course he wore the dress. It was black with sequins sewn across the breast. Loki went with the fridge. They were going steady. It was intimate. Thor went with a potato sack that was supposed to be Jane because she was sensitive to the daytime. The last remaining uninteresting S.H.I.E.L.D. guy went with the other three because they just happened to come back to life.

Suddenly a messenger ran into the ball room and tapped Clint Barton on the shoulder.

"Good news! The cancer you once had has now officially got a cure! Come with us and you won't die today!"

"あっ、本当ですか？嬉しいですよ！" He turned to Bruce. "心配しないで、ブルースくん！大丈夫ですよ！わぁー、先輩が今の私に気づくことを願っていますよ！みなさん、さようなら！" And so, Clint left Prom Night.

Everyone watched Clint as he left while the music blared out through the speakers that Coulson somehow obtained.

Bruce watched from a distance. He had convinced Coulson that a T-shirt stuffed with science was his date. Thinking that Coulson actually believed him…

Clint had left the building for a reason that wasn't a legitimate reason because Clint.

It bothered Bruce. A cure for cancer? Bruce was sure she had seen a movie that started with a cure for cancer and it all went to shit. Something about a man and his dog…

'I have to pee.'

Bruce left for the toilet.


End file.
